Raw Thoughts on Space and the Doing of Being…

To be or not to be…there is so much to do.

Space is Mine when Time Permits

As I have been enjoying the holiday for the last two days I have not worked at all and because we are in quarantine time is immense. There is time to do everything and anything; as long as I am home. As the past three days have gone I feel the tension and stress of my world lifting. I magically have time to do things I simply don’t have time for normally. I have read three books in the last week, watched a number of Netflix series and spent an enormous amount of time sitting on my back porch. It has been bliss.

I have also been spending time thinking about my writing and why I am not doing more of it. My words have not dried up, I have simply not taken the time to put them on paper. Where is my commitment to this gift that allows me to put things on paper that I don’t even realize I am thinking? As it happens when I get stressed the first thing to go out of balance are those things I love the most like hobbies and self-care. Ironically I realize how badly I need those things when I am stressed more than when I am not. It is those things that help balance me out, that take down the intensity within and allow space to breathe. While time permits I am finding my chill-factor surprising with today being the pinnacle as I decided to do literally nothing. I have read, I have walked, watched football, read some more and napped. Wow. …and then I feel guilty like I should be doing something. Why?

Trapped between Being and Doing

I explore this idea of doing and being productive with my therapist often as my self-worth is wrapped up in the doing. I struggle to simply “be”. I am still exploring the concepts of “being” and “doing” so I don’t have the answers but I am sure they lie somewhere in the balance that is otherwise lacking in my “normal” life. The fact is I like how “being” feels. Being seems to be where gratitude lives. When you are being you are not wanting more of anything. To be is to be one with what you have, who you are and where you exist. I want to want to BE.

The oxymoron here is that in order to be I do more to get myself to a point where I can be. Wait…what the hell? I guess that is truly the definition of an oxymoron and why I don’t have the time to DO the things I want to do or to simply BE because I am always doing things to get to the next state of being. Forget oxymoron it is simply moronic!

I conclude by being honest with myself and knowing that I am a doer and even in that statement it is flawed because I don’t get to do the things I want often enough. If time is mine to decide then why can’t I decide when, where and how I will “do” my life outside of a holiday weekend? I know the reality is that I can, I always decide even when I decide an unbalanced approach that turns me into someone I don’t want to “be”. The blessing of today is there is space to pontificate these states of contrast. The blessing tomorrow will only exist if I continue to pontificate on a new future; one where doing and being live together in a peaceful existence.

Life as I live it – L.

Self-Care…much ado about EVERYthing

Image result for self care

Let’s talk self-care, the very thing I know the most about and yet have to remind myself to re-balance frequently. Self-care is not selfish. Self-care belongs at the very top of your list because if you are not caring for your SELF then you cannot care for anything or anyone else.

My self-care is reading, writing and running (3 R’s) . These are the things that clear my mind, calm me down and allow me to be my best SELF. When I start to see things in my life go topsy-turvy it is typically when I don’t have time for the 3-R’s aka self-care. Missing these then causes stress in itself because I am wrapped in guilt about my inability to commit. The spiral begins down into the darkness where I am now not only tired and burnt out from whatever is taking/getting my time but now I feel guilt. Oh the webs we weave!

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was telling me that she has been suffering from some ailments that are a result of the stress she has been under. I reminded her that while she is solving for the side effects of her stress she needs to solve for the CAUSE of the stress as ultimately that is the needed remedy. By resolving the stress or handling it better, the side effects of the stress will resolve.

This is the true definition of “balance”. It is not about dividing work and personal; it’s about a balanced approach to allow for a place for everything and then everything will fall in its place. Balance also means you check in with yourself to figure out where the weight is so you can balance the load. In the last few weeks I have had to put a lot more hours in at work than “normal” which means to balance, other things have to give way. In this case it was my 3 R’s. While I found myself feeling guilty the reality is that by giving up some of those I was able to make room for the tasks at hand. This works as a temporary strategy however where you finding the room, you are likely sacrificing those things you consider as self-care (3 R’s). When this temporary imbalance becomes permanent we start to see the effects. This is when changes must be made.

Today I am writing again, I will start a book this weekend and will get a run in come rain or shine as work cannot be the “reason” to not take care. Balance it out, find your center and live the life you are meant to live not because it is derived from the “have to’s” but from the “want to’s”. Put you first which will allow everything else to find its place.

Living through the balancing-act as I navigate it – L.