Sometimes it speaks to me…

I am a lover of music unlike anyone else I know. That is not to say that others do not love music or are not fanatics but it seems that my connection is more personal, more bloodline than energy. I hear songs and they immediately take me right back to the place I was when I first heard them. In true technicolor, vivid, all senses come to life. I get this honest as both of my parents were also music lovers and music has/had always been a part of our/my life. Today I am reminded of this as I am sitting this morning enjoying my favorite place these days, my back porch, and listening to my favorite morning station on Apple Music. The song that inspires this blog today is “Sober” by Demi Lovato. Listen first and then maybe come along on my morning writing journey…

I love music written in tragedy. This is not to be confused with me loving tragedy, I am not that sadistic. I love music as an art form, as an outlet, for the artist that is willing to pour it all out in song. Demi has gone through the fight of her life, again, and in pure vulnerability pours it out. I feel it, in my heart, my soul, my bones. I get it on a very raw level. Sober is a condition of healing, righting wrongs regardless of the substance. I get it. I am not Sober, either. Being sober means that your imperfections are not noticed externally and ultimate sobriety is full internal resolve. How many of us are really sober? In these terms…hmmm…hard to admit.

For my mother’s eulogy I weaved the music of our lifetime into the words spoken from my soul and it gave the context, it gave the sentiment I could not have otherwise expressed with words alone. It wasn’t about creating a false presence of emotion but allowing those in my world with me at that moment in time to be brought back to the place, the very place I longed to be in that moment…a place where she still existed. A place she still lived, loved and laughed. It worked. It worked for me…it was all that mattered. In that moment on that day, I was talking for her and music was as much my voice as the words coming from my mouth.

I use music like a heartbeat, a rhythm to inspire the action before me. When I run the music matches the tempo I need to keep, when I walk the music is resolved in the journey without fight for breath, when I work the music creates the background noise to keep me focused. It is how I relate to this world. It is nutrients and as needed as water, food, and breath. A life without music is not a world I wish to know; empty, quiet, meaningless.

Music is culture, it unites us, all races, languages and classes. One song has the power to move a nation. Another can be so private and only known to the listener absorbed in the secret only known between the lyrics and the soul.

Music is my language and those that know me best speak to me in my native tongue. This week alone I received songs from those that know me best and love me most. Those songs were genuine communication from them to me with nothing more needed to be said except, “I heard this song and it made me think of you.” How perfect. I conclude by sharing those songs with you as my Thank You to those that sent them to me and my want to pay it forward to my reader that may not have the fortune to know music in this form, may this be your entree into something more, a new language of love, friendship and vulnerability.

  • Tones and I – Never Seen the Rain – Link
    • Lyrics “…and it gets you down But that’s ok You’ve been pushed round You feel the pain And when you fall Just lean on me Cause you’ve never known Never seen Never smelt Never felt The rain Rain, never felt the rain, rain rain”
  • Lauren Alaina – Getting Good – Link
    • Lyrics “.Once I get a house that I can hang my hat on, I bet I’ll want to build a bigger one if I could, yeah, I’m thinking, once I learn to grow right where I’m planted, Maybe that’s when life starts getting good…”
  • Joshua Radin – Beautiful Day – Link
    • Lyrics “…Gonna drive my car to the sea, Swim out far cause I believe, That waves will wash the grey away, I’m making a beautiful day…”

May you find your energy, your universe, what makes your world go ’round. Music is my everything and those in my life are personified through those rhythms. Blessed to hear the love in those messages.

Life as I hear it – L.

What to write about…

I sit here every night wondering what inspired me today enough to make it my subject. And then I have those days that are simply wonderfully random and I have thought I would like to write about all of these “feels” that I have experienced that day. So today is that day, my day of randomness that I just want to share everything:

  • Watching AGT which I was never a fan of before but became a fan in the year I spent with my mother, it was a fave of hers. The randomness of my thoughts tonight are that the judges just gave a standing O for a lovely girl but the song was not so lovely…
  • So many changes happening with my youngest who just passed his Learner’s Permit tonight and talked to me about getting a job next. It’s happening…freedom found…and I am losing my last baby. Oh my heart…
  • My husband was not feeling well today and as I am listening to the symptoms I am internally panic stricken that the thought that he would ever leave me here alone is beyond comprehension. Do you ever panic over the thought of losing your loved ones even though you know even thinking about it is the wrong train of thought, but you are so in fear…ugh…I’ll stop now.

This was just the randomness of my evening. My ride home conversation was rewarding as yet another one of my loves shares their next venture and courage to make the change they want in their own life.

This is life, it’s random, it’s not predictable but most importantly it is absolutely what YOU make it. I have struggled lately figuring out this “new normal”, making sense out of the randomness and the many changes occurring all at the same time in my life. What I have learned in these moments is:

  • To be grateful for the stability in those around you that are your constant.
  • Don’t miss the moments of fellowship in every experience. Today that came in the most random moments. A person interrupting a meeting, a person staying late to share stories about their children and the best of course was being having a late dinner and playing in the ball pit with my grand babies.

Tomorrow is another day. It will be random as any other day. These days I look forward to the random, I am beyond longing for normal, my life is as versatile as my spirit, my views and my love

What do I write about tonight? What I always write about…

Life as I see it – L.

Psychic Expectation

Today I visited Cassadaga Spiritualist Camp. It is the “Psychic Capital of the World”. This would be both my second visit to Cassadaga and my second reading ever. I have always been leary of “messing” with this side of the universe. I absolutely do believe in psychics, mediums and healers but believed I was better not knowing the unknown.

Desperately Seeking Psychic

My history with the supernatural are few but one was very meaningful. New Years Day 2018 I decided out of the blue that I was going to go visit a psychic to get the answers I was longing for as to whether I was doing enough for my mother. At that time we were three months into her cancer diagnosis and two months into treatment. When I decided I wanted to go I was sitting at Panera by myself, reading a book and it occurred to me that I was going to go to Cassadaga. I Googled to find a psychic before heading over and found Peter. He appealed to me because of the many titles he carried and noted that he had been featured on TLC. I figured if he had managed to make it on TV there had to be something about him. I called him and he told me to head on over. Let’s pause for a Public Service Announcement:

I would warn against doing what I did…I proceeded to Peter’s house. Meanwhile no one in the world knew I was going there, where I was or how to find me. When I got to Peter’s house I realized that I might be walking into the next Dateline as for all I knew he could have been a serial killer and I was walking right into his house, alone. DUMB! So very DUMB!

Back to the story…when I arrived at Peter’s house I was unassuming; wearing a ball cap, dressed in all gray, no jewelry, no make-up, driving my husband’s truck. I decided as I waited for Peter that I was going to keep a straight-face and say as little as possible. This poor guy had no idea the skeptic that had walked in his house.

It didn’t take long before Peter had me hook, line and sinker. He was so quirky exactly as I would expect, he didn’t disappoint. He used Tarot Cards for my reading and as he would deal the cards my story was unfolding. He would ask a question to see if he was on the right path and I would barely utter a word, I would give him a yea, uh huh or nod of my head. His reading was 100% on point. He made me a believer and gave me exactly what I came in for, the reassurance that I was indeed doing all I could for my mom. Peter ended our session together with a spiritual cleansing which was a perfect way to start the New Year.

Spiritually Enriching

Today I did not go seeking anything more than fellowship with the three beautiful souls I went on this journey of spiritual enlightenment with…Ha! aka a great lunch at The Table in Deland and then four appointments as assigned by the Hotel Cassadaga. I did request the person I would see today, Aylah, as she had been referred to me. As soon as I met Aylah the energy between us was undeniable. I was actually worried that I might have screwed up that energy by trying to reach out to her via email initially. She assured me that was not the case. I enjoyed the 30 minutes we spent together and there were certainly many things that she said that appealed to me and my current state and then of course there were a few that did not connect…at least for today. I came out of this reading feeling enlightened as my spirits were high and I thoroughly enjoyed the time spent with this Spiritual Soul.

This time was certainly different as I did not go in as a skeptic but as an optimist that I would hear something that would resonate. This time was different because I wasn’t carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. This time was different…well…because so am I. I half-halfheartedly wanted my mother to show herself and there were certainly some ironies but there was nothing apparent. When I think about the reality of that “want” it makes me laugh, because anyone that knows my mom knows that this is definitely not her “thing”.

Psychic Expectation

I have to acknowledge that while I do believe in the power of psychics, mediums and healers I also acknowledge that the success of the reading depends on the expectation. You cannot help having some expectation when you go otherwise why would you go? I had a heavy expectation the first time I went and this time while I was going more for fun I did selfishly want to hear something that would connect. In listening for those connections it is hard not to try to make sense of what you are hearing and that is where I fear we can make something out of nothing. There is little harm in this if all it offers is hope and a watchful eye for those few things that did not connect.

In the end today was a great day, it was full of fellowship with my family. It is exactly where I wanted to be and I loved every minute of it. I had the benefit of meeting a beautiful soul who offered me advice, optimism and the reassurance that it is all going to be okay…but I knew that before I went.

This is life as I see it – L.