Self-Conclusion…Live NOW

An interesting response came the other night from Gary. I was sitting on the couch watching TV and working on my laptop. As I was shutting my laptop down and closing the recliner to get up I said to Gary “I really need to get my life together!”. To this Gary literally laughed out loud and said, “If you need to get YOUR life together we are all in trouble”. He actually made me laugh at the ridiculousness of the statement! To this brief, comical encounter I offer you the last of the Self-Series.

I often pontificate on the life I have and if it is indeed the life I want. I do this because I am of the belief that we are the ultimate creators of our life through our choices. We come into this world alone and we leave it presumably alone and yet how we live is so frequently dependent on others. Seems an oxymoron of statements. The reality is that even as we live with others we are on our own in defining life as we live it.

We are all so busy making it happen for everyone else. But what about the canvas that is your own life? As Oprah says, “You alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/finding-true-love/201910/what-i-learned-being-oprah

I feel that I have become an expert at creating the blueprints that define the life I want to live and then creating or architecting that existence. Unless I am tired, distracted, happy, sad, content, etc. You name it and it has the ability to throw me off of the plan and leave me with all of the pieces and parts that I attempted to set in motion lying around me. Pulling from my recent “Self-Series” it would seem that self-discipline, self-motivation and a bit of self-control could solve for any distraction, yet here I sit.

My ability to summon the self-discipline/motivation/control can certainly push beyond my mood or state of being in the short-term. It is the long-haul that is put to the test when the only consequence is yourself. If I am not letting anyone else down then why does it matter if I don’t run, write, read, sleep, _____________. But the reality is that letting myself down is the worst thing I could do because I matter and what matters to me, matters.

The life I want requires many things from the “self” but most importantly the result of the life I want is to feel satisfied with what I am doing, who I am and how I live it. The only way to do this is to not be dependent on others or situations. You have to be willing to live despite it all. I used to say “I will be happy when_________”, “Things will be perfect when_______.”, you fill in the blanks. And then I got to __________ and nothing changed relative to my happiness beyond what it already was prior to the condition I was summoning.

Today, this weekend and even some of last week, I was living my “best” life. Life fulfilled with those that matter most, doing the things that matter to me and finding value in that simplicity. Don’t make it harder than it has to be, live it simply. Live it without conditions and live it now, right where you are…today, this minute…now.

Live as I see it – L.

Grief a year later…still sucks

This is the final five days of what was her last week. This year I am at work, working on budgets seemingly easy as compared to last year but gut-wrenching when I think about what makes it easier. I am living my life without her and while I have tricked myself into thinking I had this month under my thumb I wake up with a thickness that was stifling all day. As it gets closer I can feel the weight of what is coming. it is not about an anniversary it is a reminder of the worst days to come then and now.

My “plan” was to go to Virginia this weekend and spend the weekend with my stepdad so we are together but the closer it gets the more I am realizing it is simply not going to be possible. The tape keeps running through my mind over and over again; I drive up to her house, and she doesn’t come out on the porch excited to see me…and I fall apart. I walk up to the house and open the door and there is her chair without her in it…and I fall apart. I walk onto the porch, our very special place, and she is not there…and I fall apart. I cannot walk into her room, I cannot sleep there, I cannot eat there, I simply cannot be there. I am not ready.

It is a year later and the grief is different. It is devastating in quieter moments, it is less public, it is harder to explain than it was a year ago. A year ago everyone “gets it”; you have lost your Mom no one doubts the pain, the sadness, the grief. A year later…it still hurts, it is still devastating and it is still grief but it is different. Today it was like walking through a fog with an immense weight encompassing me. I was down all day and while not acknowledging it, it would not relent. This grief was isolating.

This is grief as I am living it right now and ultimately I am having to take my own advice and “meet myself where I am” and today where I am is not ready to face Saturday AT ALL but definitely not ready to face it in her home where I left abruptly a year ago. One year ago, I delivered her eulogy to her beloved community and I literally flew out of there like a bat out of hell. I was running then and I am still running today. I am running from the reality that she is not there because I can fool myself into believing that…well let’s just agree that I am not fooling myself but I am not facing it as aggressively as stepping into her home would require of me.

I am not going to be okay, not today and I will let that be okay. I don’t want to predict tomorrow or the next day or the next…today is enough. One day at a time. My mom and I shared the Serenity Prayer frequently as we would come up on things in our lives that we could not control. I cannot change this and I am not ready to accept it…but I am willing to continue working on it, and that is enough for today. – L.