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Knowing Better…

This post started with the word DREAD but it is such an unfair word. August has been the focus of my dread for months now. This is the last month I had with my mom last year. It brings up so much emotion and none of it wanted, thereby dreaded.

On August 31st it will be a year. A year that I feel I have barely survived. A year of feeling loss when I want to call her, see her or even when I think about her. I know she is with me, I see her in my hands, my voice and she is my heart.

My day started out with smiles as I drove to work talking to my friend. I realized I was smiling as I was talking to her and stopped to note as much. This was a good way to start the first day of this month that has caused such anxiety.

Unfortunately by 9:00a the weight was mounting, the clouds were setting in and I could feel my mood changing. I can’t stand the power I have given this month. Why? Why? Why? My day continued to be isolating and heavy.

As it would turn out and coincidentally, I had an afternoon appointment with my therapist. And the power of therapy would once again prove its power in my life. As I left my therapists office I felt lighter. The day still had its shroud and the month is still wound in anxiety but how I allow it to affect me is still my choice.

The night concluded with my first run around the neighborhood in months. As I floated home on a runners high it only got better and I ended the night with babies and fellowship.

I am still not where Joe Biden’s quote promises me to be but I am going to work hard to spend this month HONORING HER instead of GRIEVING HER.

When you know better, you do better…one day at a time Kiel, one day at a time… L.

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