This post started with the word DREAD but it is such an unfair word. August has been the focus of my dread for months now. This is the last month I had with my mom last year. It brings up so much emotion and none of it wanted, thereby dreaded.
On August 31st it will be a year. A year that I feel I have barely survived. A year of feeling loss when I want to call her, see her or even when I think about her. I know she is with me, I see her in my hands, my voice and she is my heart.
My day started out with smiles as I drove to work talking to my friend. I realized I was smiling as I was talking to her and stopped to note as much. This was a good way to start the first day of this month that has caused such anxiety.
Unfortunately by 9:00a the weight was mounting, the clouds were setting in and I could feel my mood changing. I can’t stand the power I have given this month. Why? Why? Why? My day continued to be isolating and heavy.
As it would turn out and coincidentally, I had an afternoon appointment with my therapist. And the power of therapy would once again prove its power in my life. As I left my therapists office I felt lighter. The day still had its shroud and the month is still wound in anxiety but how I allow it to affect me is still my choice.
The night concluded with my first run around the neighborhood in months. As I floated home on a runners high it only got better and I ended the night with babies and fellowship.
I am still not where Joe Biden’s quote promises me to be but I am going to work hard to spend this month HONORING HER instead of GRIEVING HER.
When you know better, you do better…one day at a time Kiel, one day at a time… L.
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