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Imperfect Sunrise – Option P

Of course this is the way today was to start, as a reminder that not everything should turn out as planned. It is the reminder I need to keep me in the PRESENT, in the now and resilient as ever.

The Plan

Woke up at 4a, made coffee, got ready and out of the house by 5:30a to get to the beach in time for sunrise.

The Reality

Get to the beach at 6:20a exactly as planned, pulled out my chair to sit in front of the ocean, coffee in hand, laptop in tow and ready to take in the 6:33a sunrise as “planned”. But not as promised…

I sit in the chair and immediately the sand gnats are all over me. In my hair, biting me, chasing me back into my car. The sun is not rising b/c of the cloud cover and my partner-in-crime that was to meet me has not.

Plan B

Here is what I would have missed had everything gone as planned…

  • Sitting in my more comfortable car in the a/c smiling through it all (gnat-free)
  • This beautiful sunrise that came at 6:45a
  • Listening to Jefferson Starship, Miracles, as the first song that came on when I started Pandora
  • …and this reminder that Plan B is likely better than Plan A…while I may never know for sure because Plan A did not play out as planned and I am so blessed to be reminded that blessings in our lives can come in many forms.

Option B by Sheryl Sandberg

I am on the last hour of this book on Audible and it is so perfect for this moment. The book was referred to me by a good friend. I honestly did not know what it was about when I started it but I was very familiar with Sheryl’s book “Lean In” and knew of the tragic loss of her husband at 48-years old. When the book started it was crystal clear why it has been offered to me as a “good read” because it was about Sheryl’s journey after the loss of her husband. I of course can relate although I did not lose a spouse I lost a mother; also too soon.

Sheryl’s first point caught me and kept me from the start and that is that “we are all living some form of Option B”. Today is a reminder that even in the simplest forms, this is the truth.

Sheryl’s second point was the introduction of the “Three P’s” and the lesson behind each.

  • Personalization – the belief that we are at fault
  • Pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life
  • Permenance – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever

How close all three of these were hitting me immediately after my mother’s passing versus where I am today is a testament to the fourth P that she does not define PROGRESS. Here is how this played out for me:

  • RIGHT AFTER HER DEATH:
    • Personalization – I questioned through my mother’s last year if I was doing enough and for reasons I will not expound on, in the end I felt I was at fault.
    • Pervasiveness – Upon her death I felt like a part of me died with her and I was not sure how I could go on.
    • Permanence – this goes without explanation. When someone that you revere as your “God” passes away how can anything in the future ever be right again. I remember telling Gary shortly before she passed, “I think this will change me forever, I don’t think I will ever be “me” again.”
  • TODAY:
    • Personalization – I know I did enough and thanks to an amazing therapist, I also know that I was not at fault but my feelings were absolutely valid as I took on a responsibility for her that was beyond measure.
    • Pervasiveness – It has affected all areas of my life but it is not ALL bad as I am reminded more of the blessings of 48-years of pure love and friendship and less about the last year that added to many of those precious memories despite the circumstances.
    • Permanence – There is nt doubt that the aftershocks will be with me forever but the reaction, the injury of those aftershocks have subsided and some have healed.

It leads me to a realization that the final two P’s that Sheryl does not cover are indeed:

  • Progress – As my life is progressing and in many ways. I proudly told Gary yesterday that I was not in pain (after surgery 3 weeks ago, it was the first day with no pain…yay for me!) and I felt optimistic about the second half of the year and the projects that I have taken on.
  • Option P – Yes, I am renaming Sheryl’s Option B to Option P because the option of the plan the Option P is where we seem to find more meaning, more creation and inspiration.

Sunday’s sunrise is not how I planned it but it so IMPERFECTLY PERFECT, it is the Option P, that I would not change a second of because it is so much sweeter than the original plan. In this moment, I have everything I need, I am present and it’s PROFOUND.

Enjoy your Sunday, find your Option P and revel in it.

Life as I see it – L.

2 comments on “Imperfect Sunrise – Option P

  1. Martha says:

    Personalization: Yes, a part of you does die and you can never get it back in this life…..it’s gone. The flesh and blood that gave you life. After seeing my Mother on a daily basis and her living with me for approx. 15 years before she passed was a hard pill to swallow but accepting something we can not change is key. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, just not quite as bad as at first.
    Permanence Things can be right again and you will be “you” again, just not the “same you”. Just remember you’re not the “same you” you were at 20 yrs. Maybe that’s good and maybe not so good but it is what it is……things always evolve. Death of a Mother can never be completely accepted, only tolerated as best we can. Life must go on as best as possible. Your “possible” may not be someone else’s “possible” so we all try to do the best we can as our loved ones would want it that way. ( a small consolation, but true.)
    With love from one who know all too well,
    Your MIL

    Like

    1. lorikiel says:

      Thank you so much for not only reading but commenting! I appreciate the perspective of someone that knows how true all of this is every day. Your DIL

      Like

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