Too Close for Comfort, Too Far to Regret

Well isn’t this a fine mess I have gotten myself in! There are so many lessons learned and I have never felt such an array of emotions all at once. Yesterday I went back to the Psychic that I originally went to the first time I ever went; he blew my mind then…and yesterday it is fair to say that he blew my mind again. This time rather than walking out with understanding and confirmation I walked out shaking, shocked and exposed. #Regret

Peter the Psychic is the “real-deal”. I knew it after the first session I ever had with him and was scared to ever go back knowing he had “it” but then I walked back into his office yesterday. Peter starts with Tarot Cards which I enjoy and appreciate as they reveal where you are in any moment in time. Fair enough to say that you could easily make something of anything, right?

As he was turning the cards over he revealed the “Three of Swords” to which he said “I am so sorry, you have a broken heart”. He immediately asked why my heart was broken and I told him that I had lost my mom a year ago. When he went to the Spiritual side of the reading he noted that he would see if my Mom was “present”. I sat there with doubt not believing that he would be able to summon her and then he did. I searched for vague descriptions that could easily be interpreted in any form and then…and then…he came out with a “message” that absolutely could NOT be misinterpreted and would have NO relevance to anyone else in the world. I was floored. I fought to stay present so I did not miss anything else he was offering but to say I was reeling is an understatement.

and then…

I woke up this morning absolutely heavier than I have been in more than a year. I barely made it through the day holding back tears and having to leave for lunch to get some air. I am a very black and white person and have a very difficult time playing in the “gray”. While I would love to have my Mom “here”, I know she is “there”. I cannot wrap my head around her being somewhere in between. I was a mess all day and while I am grateful for the offerings I realized that it was simply too close to the flame and this may have singed a bit. I was not okay.

I could feel the gut-punch of her not being here all over again. I could cry if pressed; fortunately I work with a group of people that “just know” when to just “let me be” and they did. The best yet was the reminder that I have a support system in the “one” that has shown me what true bravery and courage is in life and just as they did earlier this year when I needed them by my side, they were there again tonight. They who cannot speak “her” name pushed me to talk through it. They were willing to channel that strength that I needed regardless of how vulnerable it made them to which they showed selfless strength and courage.

Regardless of what you believe about Psychics and their gift the reality is that he brought up things that I have worked over a year to heal. In the moment, I was blown away and in disbelief. But after the shock of the moment subsided I was left lost with what to do with the experience.

I don’t often regret in life as I live with great intention and that in itself allows me to live freely without second-guessing. Today I was full of regret. I realized that I didn’t need to know she is “there” because in my heart I know she is “here” all the time. I don’t need “proof” I have always been sure about our bond. It has never required “proof”. The proof that I also found in the last 24 hours is the proof that I have worked hard for a year to heal this broken heart and while it will never be the same I am better than I was and that is progress. I worry that I threatened that “work” by so cavalierly summoning her spirit and in that am truly “playing with fire”. #Regret

I have an immense amount of respect for the energy that powers my life. There is power in the universe and the energy that surrounds us. To “play” in that world can be dangerous. We all know “karma is a bitch” which is why you do right regardless of who is watching. Yesterday I played with that energy, with that power and it has left me reverberating.

I close sharing a song, which is fitting considering music was “our” language. One of the messages that the Psychic shared yesterday was her letting me know “you would love the music up here, it’s beautiful”. This song was the last one during my run tonight how appropriate as I ran off all of the emotion of the day.

Oh, ’cause I keep diggin’ myself down deeper
I won’t stop ’til I get where you are
I keep running when both my feet hurt
I won’t stop ’til I get where you are
Oh, when you go down all your darkest roads
I would’ve followed all the way to the graveyard

This is it, it’s exactly where I am, but lesson learned tonight is that I cannot put myself where she is…she is there, I am here and we will be together again one day. In the meantime, I have a life to live, the life she taught me to live, the life she revered. I know she is grateful and I know she loves me; I don’t need a Psychic to tell me that, I have always known.

Living the life she taught me to live – L.

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