Well, here we go, the last day of the second year since she passed. I am still standing, she knew I would be, however, there were moments I had my doubts. I think of her daily and everything reminds me of her. I am either remembering our life together or wondering what she would think about what is going on today. It is all very healthy.
What is not healthy is the regret that has crept back in that I did not do enough. Crazy as it sounds out loud, internally I battle with her decline rethinking every decision and wondering if there was more I should have done as if I could have controlled it. I know in my mind that it was cancer that took her so swiftly but in my heart, I keep rethinking the moment that started her decline, and if I could have changed it. I listen to that last voice mail from her knowing that I needed to go to her because she was starting to lose her grip and knew it. I have read those text messages exchanged in those last three weeks between myself and my “village”. They were the ones that kept me going when I questioned my strength and ability to carry-on. Those text messages remind me that there was absolutely nothing I could have done. This is still not enough to resolve it for she is still gone.
Grief is a bitch. I am reminded of the stages but never truly embracing the process when it comes to my grief. What I am going through is not a process it is a state-of-being that may never truly vacate. It has changed me for the worse as I am lost without her even on my best day. I don’t cry anymore because nothing can ever be as bad as losing her. Every time someone else speaks of losing one of their parents I feel envy when they note their parent’s age, internally doing the math to see how many more years they got with their parent than I. Worst is that there are more days of my life than not, that I long to talk to her and in not having her to talk to I simply don’t speak. It is a gag on a life worth sharing but lack of an audience in her makes it feel less valuable.
I have thought for days how I would honor the anniversary of her passing and these sentiments were not part of the original draft I was compiling in my head. I, of course, would think about the love of music we shared, the love of reading, and her laughter. What has come out is raw and real and in that I honor it. She has been gone for two years and it feels like ten. Yes, I know, she is all around me and with me every day, which is ironic coming from someone that struggles with the concept of faith as it scientifically cannot be proven. Her being in the stratosphere will never console the loss I feel without her here on earth.
As I conclude I remind all of you, to embrace what you have here and now. Don’t let a word go unsaid, I didn’t and it is the thing I am most grateful for in losing her nothing was left to be said. Spend the time, say the words, and embrace those that are still here. We are destined for the same fate, it is the timeline that is unpredictable. Will you live to be 20 or 95, no one knows, however, while you are here today make it count. It seems all I have today to offer in positivity as I start what will be the longest 15 hours of any day this year. As the clock ticks towards 10:30p I will do everything in my power to stay busy and avoid thinking about every minute of her last day. I am sound in mind enough to know that this final day will never define the 17,271 days we shared but is it wrong to wish I had just one more?
Well isn’t this a fine mess I have gotten myself in! There are so many lessons learned and I have never felt such an array of emotions all at once. Yesterday I went back to the Psychic that I originally went to the first time I ever went; he blew my mind then…and yesterday it is fair to say that he blew my mind again. This time rather than walking out with understanding and confirmation I walked out shaking, shocked and exposed. #Regret
Peter the Psychic is the “real-deal”. I knew it after the first session I ever had with him and was scared to ever go back knowing he had “it” but then I walked back into his office yesterday. Peter starts with Tarot Cards which I enjoy and appreciate as they reveal where you are in any moment in time. Fair enough to say that you could easily make something of anything, right?
As he was turning the cards over he revealed the “Three of Swords” to which he said “I am so sorry, you have a broken heart”. He immediately asked why my heart was broken and I told him that I had lost my mom a year ago. When he went to the Spiritual side of the reading he noted that he would see if my Mom was “present”. I sat there with doubt not believing that he would be able to summon her and then he did. I searched for vague descriptions that could easily be interpreted in any form and then…and then…he came out with a “message” that absolutely could NOT be misinterpreted and would have NO relevance to anyone else in the world. I was floored. I fought to stay present so I did not miss anything else he was offering but to say I was reeling is an understatement.
I woke up this morning absolutely heavier than I have been in more than a year. I barely made it through the day holding back tears and having to leave for lunch to get some air. I am a very black and white person and have a very difficult time playing in the “gray”. While I would love to have my Mom “here”, I know she is “there”. I cannot wrap my head around her being somewhere in between. I was a mess all day and while I am grateful for the offerings I realized that it was simply too close to the flame and this may have singed a bit. I was not okay.
I could feel the gut-punch of her not being here all over again. I could cry if pressed; fortunately I work with a group of people that “just know” when to just “let me be” and they did. The best yet was the reminder that I have a support system in the “one” that has shown me what true bravery and courage is in life and just as they did earlier this year when I needed them by my side, they were there again tonight. They who cannot speak “her” name pushed me to talk through it. They were willing to channel that strength that I needed regardless of how vulnerable it made them to which they showed selfless strength and courage.
Regardless of what you believe about Psychics and their gift the reality is that he brought up things that I have worked over a year to heal. In the moment, I was blown away and in disbelief. But after the shock of the moment subsided I was left lost with what to do with the experience.
I don’t often regret in life as I live with great intention and that in itself allows me to live freely without second-guessing. Today I was full of regret. I realized that I didn’t need to know she is “there” because in my heart I know she is “here” all the time. I don’t need “proof” I have always been sure about our bond. It has never required “proof”. The proof that I also found in the last 24 hours is the proof that I have worked hard for a year to heal this broken heart and while it will never be the same I am better than I was and that is progress. I worry that I threatened that “work” by so cavalierly summoning her spirit and in that am truly “playing with fire”. #Regret
I have an immense amount of respect for the energy that powers my life. There is power in the universe and the energy that surrounds us. To “play” in that world can be dangerous. We all know “karma is a bitch” which is why you do right regardless of who is watching. Yesterday I played with that energy, with that power and it has left me reverberating.
I close sharing a song, which is fitting considering music was “our” language. One of the messages that the Psychic shared yesterday was her letting me know “you would love the music up here, it’s beautiful”. This song was the last one during my run tonight how appropriate as I ran off all of the emotion of the day.
Oh, ’cause I keep diggin’ myself down deeper I won’t stop ’til I get where you are I keep running when both my feet hurt I won’t stop ’til I get where you are Oh, when you go down all your darkest roads I would’ve followed all the way to the graveyard
This is it, it’s exactly where I am, but lesson learned tonight is that I cannot put myself where she is…she is there, I am here and we will be together again one day. In the meantime, I have a life to live, the life she taught me to live, the life she revered. I know she is grateful and I know she loves me; I don’t need a Psychic to tell me that, I have always known.
As today’s denotes the official day my mom passed last year I thought the best way to honor this sacred day would be to share the eulogy that I gave at her Celebration of Life with our friends and family. I have revised it for content but admittedly it is still a long-read, just as it should be, as this was a life lived well. I hope you will take the time to read it and allow me to share her with you through my heart.
For my Mom…
Thank you for loving my Mom. I am here this morning to honor my mother, my first best friend, my hero and the one with whom I shared a lifetime of music, experiences and advice.
broken this eulogy down into three important parts of her life; the first 18
years, the last 18 years and in the middle, what I like to call, everything in
between. Let’s start…
The first 18
Solnick was born on February 11, 1950 in Miami, FL. to Morris and Evelyn
Solnick and lived in Opa-Locka, FL until she was married.
a big sister in November 1955 to Susie.
As a family,
the Solnick’s spent a lot of time together at the beach and deep-sea fishing.
Most summers were spent in Key Biscayne, FL relaxing and swimming.
household was a place that friends and neighbors enjoyed being. There was a piano,
an organ, drums, a regulation pool table and pinball machine. Many nights were spent with neighbors and
neighborhood kids dancing in the living room to her Mom and Dad jamming on the
piano and drums.
Terry had her
friends over a lot for sleepovers and they all enjoyed playing pool and pinball
in the Florida Room, which also housed a very nice and loud record player that
got a lot of use. Terry always enjoyed
playing pool throughout her life and was very good at it.
enjoyed music and would spend a lot of time as a young teenager in her room
listening to music. She would stack her 45’s on the spindle in a specific order.
Some of her very favorite artists growing up were Aretha Franklin, Dionne
Warwick, Gladys Knight and Elvis.
always been an avid reader and enjoyed a wide variety of authors.
As a Big
Sister, Terry was a devoted one. She and Susie would spend hours and hours on
weekends with a big stack of board games, managing to get all of them played
several times before it was time to head back to school on Monday. Favorite
card games of Terry’s were Crazy 8’s and Rummy. When the whole family played board games
together it was either Parcheesi or Scrabble, and Terry mastered those as well
began driving, she would take Susie out with her to ride around, just spend
some time together, or to get ice cream. Even if Terry was hanging out with her
friends, she never thought twice to have her little sister along if Susie was
having a bad day.
attended Carol City Senior High School and graduated in 1968.
One of Terry’s
happiest days in her late teenage years, was the brand new 1968 Maroon Pontiac
Tempest she got from her Mom and Dad for her high school graduation.
started working part-time shortly after graduation and was always a hard worker.
She was a very fast typist and had won several awards during her senior year
for her typing speed and accuracy, which was well over 100 words per minute.
My mom and
dad were married in 1970, or so they say…but more importantly I came along in
1971. I have always said I was the lucky
one, as anyone that really knew my mom knew that she was not a
“kid-person”. The only two kids that she
every really “liked” were myself and Cameron…but then again that is because she
was stuck with us, literally. So as it
would turn out, I was an only child but not a lonely child. My mom was indeed my mother and parented me
in the ways a mother should; but she was also my first friend. She was always up for a game (little did I
know she was schooling me so she could later kick my ass in Scrabble!) and her
love of music soon became mine.
As I grew up
the lessons I would learn by watching her gracefully navigate life would soon
be the lessons of a lifetime. Those
lessons and the music of the 70’s and 80’s would be both our “Lifetime Movie”
and soundtrack. As I was a little girl I
remember listening to my mom sing at the top of her lungs as we rode in her
little yellow Celica. The song that seemed
to represent the 70’s best was “Baby Come Back”. Later I would change the song to “Baby Don’t
Come Back” ha-ha… In my teenage years we
were still singing, this time in her little red Toyota Celica. One of my favorite car concerts was when we
were heading to Disney and it was as if we had both become possessed by Michael
Jackson’s “Dirty Diana”, we sang it (screamed it) again and again and again. Later that love of music and our car concerts
would be passed down to my son Cameron, he and his Mama’s first song would be
“Life is a Highway”.
My mom and I
shared so many firsts…
first concert was with my Mom during Spring Break 1989 when MTV came to Daytona
with Hall and Oates! We would enjoy so
many concerts through the years, music was simply our “thing” and it remains my
in the last weeks we enjoyed music; me singing her listening…or lip syncing.
final car concert was this song with Cam in the backseat on our way to her
final visit to the doctor. I kept
hanging her the hand microphone and she would just raise her eyebrows as she
did while I would sing both of our parts.
night in the last week she and I were able to enjoy the Paul McCartney
special. She wasn’t talking much anymore
at this point and so I reveled in watching her tap her toes to the music. That moment became a memory I will always
keep close when I looked over at her during “When I am 64” and she was lip
syncing it. Oh the wonder! We would get one more moment like that when I
was singing “Lollipop Lollipop oh Lolly Lollypop”…and Cam said “Mom, look
look”…and once again she was lip syncing!
These moments were so special to us because it was at this point that we
weren’t able to easily connect with her so once again music became the medium.
first job was Burger King at 15 years old.
My mom had worked many second jobs during our lives together however
what a surprise when she decided to also take a job working nights at Burger
King so we could still spend every night together. We had so much fun and all of the kids loved
mom and I even went to college together!
I learned so
many lessons throughout my life with her some deliberate and others understood:
is so much more important than quantity when it comes to time and clothes J I didn’t have
a stay-at-home-mom in any way shape or form.
She was on the go and had a very big life whether it be with friends or
work. But when we were together we were
truly together. We could be singing in
the car, attending a concert or just sitting together and watching what would
become our favorite show “Hot Bench”…all of our time together equaled
are your child’s role model, even when you think they aren’t watching…that is
when they learn the most. It was through her life that I learned the importance
of perseverance, stamina and work ethic.
All of these traits culminated into a woman that was fiercely
independent. She was independent in all
that she did and how she lived. What I
learned from her independence is to fend for myself, never to rely on anyone
for your livelihood and how to hold my own in any crowd or boardroom and in
front of any audience. In a “state” of
independence you cannot be a hostage of anyone or anything.
I learned that -You CAN do anything you set your mind to despite your means-
I learned that were taught through her advice and hours of shared wisdom were:
are not entitled to ANYTHING! You do NOT
can have pretty boxes or you can have retirement…when asked why she puts her
jewelry in butter bowls.
see”…was easily her favorite phrase to say and my LEAST favorite to hear. What I learned was that “we’ll see” usually
meant NO and I would never say that to my children.
decide”…was her next favorite phrase and came later in life. It became a term of endearment between us and
ultimately would be the sarcasm to any question on “what needed to be
done”. Funny enough when she was told
how long she would have to live upon the diagnosis of cancer she told the
Doctor, “he’ll decide” but ultimately and in one last fit of fierce
independence “she decided”.
favorite advice to me was to “act like a lady” I am still working on this but
my Mom she had it perfected!
Later in my
life, I would work to honor her by giving back to her whenever the opportunity
arisen. She would fly-in to Orlando to
see concerts; our last being Barry Manilow and Hall and Oates. We would fly to my Aunt Susie and Judith’s
house in Nashville to spend the weekend laughing and playing endless games of
Scrabble and Florida Rummy. I would fly
to her home in Woodlawn to just sit and be in her presence, not wanting
anything in return. Ultimately the
greatest honor I could offer would be in walking beside her in what would be
the last year of her life and giving her the assurance that all she had taught
me would be used to make sure I didn’t miss a thing in her care and
treatment. As I sat beside her on her
last day, I knew that we had come full circle and I was going to be okay…and so
The last 18
years ago my Mom was blessed with a second chance at love when she met
Bob. Together they built a life that
revolved around their common interests while finishing out their final working
years in Florida. Upon retirement they
went in search for a place in the mountains to call home and after quite a
journey they found Woodlawn.
quickly fell in love with Woodlawn and its small-town appeal. She met neighbors and friends that soon
became her Woodlawn family. There she
was able to realize a dream that she never thought possible in her earlier
years, she was finally in HER house on top of a mountain with views as far as
the eye could see.
attempt to give back to Woodlawn was in her kindness and love for flowers. She has always had a green-thumb and enjoyed
flowers and gardening but never so much as she did in Woodlawn. Here she found her craft and better yet because
of her place on the top of that mountain she was able to share that craft with
the many that would pass by every day. She took pleasure in decorating for the
holidays would delight at their attempts to one-up every previous year. This year one of my fond memories of many
visits was when I came at the beginning of January. I flew in late that day and by the time I got
to Woodlawn it was dark out but not at Mom and Bob’s. As I came over that final hill I could see a
glow coming from the Dearborn residence and as I lowered my window I heard the
sounds of Christmas. Their place was lit
up like the Griswold’s, maybe even brighter, as their smiles were the brightest
light of all. They were so tickled with
themselves and what they had created but most importantly that I was able to
see and experience it as that is truly what gave them the most pleasure; sharing.
enjoyed my visits through the years where all I wanted to do was sit on their
porch and enjoy the sound of the birds and read. Their little slice of heaven soon became my
solace as well. When I needed a break
from the hustle and bustle of my life, Woodlawn was my retreat. On those visits my mom and I would walk up
and down the mountain. We would stop and
feed the horses and would always laugh at how winded we would get going up and
down the hills. During those visits, I
had the pleasure of meeting their friends and came to know them by name and
learn their stories. Little did we know
that their circle of friends would become our lifelines in the last year and in
the last three weeks they SHOWED UP beyond what anyone could have ever expected? Coming from Florida I have never known a
community like Woodlawn. In Florida a
good neighbor is one you never see. In
Woodlawn, a neighbor is a friend that soon becomes family. There was rarely a night that went by in the
last three weeks that there wasn’t a knock on the door from friends delivering
food and treats. I would laugh and say
that this was something out of the movies as I had never seen hospitality like
I had there. In the end it served us
well as the visits offered a needed distraction to that day’s routines.
When my mom
was diagnosed with Cancer a year ago the discussion turned to where she would
get treatment. Being in Orlando I knew
that I could get her the best of care or so I thought until I met the Doctors
in Mt. Airy. It became apparent very early
on that the doctors there were going to be as good if not better than anything I could offer her in Orlando. In her final weeks we came to know the angels
of Mountain Valley Hospice. I have never
had experience with Hospice in my life and will never forget this
experience. These angels, every one of
them, made what felt impossible possible.
They became a security blanket around us giving assurance that we would
be able to make it through.
lesson that I want to share is the most important one and that is about SHOWING UP in your life and others
lives. I could site millions of examples
of how my mom showed up in my life, some you would expect as my mom, but
others, were the ones that meant the most.
Many of you
showed up in this last year; when we needed it the most. In my life I have not always “shown up” in
times of adversity, not knowing what the right thing was to say or do. What I know now is that you don’t have to say
or do a thing to show up. Just being
present, living in that moment with the person in need is absolutely
enough. So many of you could not know
that your messages would be received at just the moment I needed it.
thought would only be a dream and for truly standing by your
vows and beyond.
there are a few things I am sure of in life but ONE is a standout:
am SURE that I had the best mother in this entire world. I was able to see her through your eyes and
that confirmed for me that you knew why I loved her.
She was my
“person”. I have struggled to define
what this has meant to me in my life and then yesterday on my drive to work I
heard the acoustic version of a song I have sung many times before and as I
heard the words I realized that this defined it perfectly. It was Issues by Julia Michaels. We had trust beyond the definition. As the song notes “you don’t judge me because
you see it from the same point of view”.
And unfortunately as the song also notes “Yeah, I got issues, and one of
them is how bad I need you”. I miss you
Mom now and always… L.
Today I am reminded how important it is to simply show up in the lives of those your love. As I am sitting here at 1:38a which is officially one year from the last day I had with my Mom I am reminded of the kindness and selflessness of others. It was that selflessness that sustained me in the past year as life would test me to my core. I woke up this morning to a text message from one of my best friends reminding me of the selfless act she gave my mother. This offering gave my Mom and I yet another memory; one more for all of those we would not get in the future.
The last year of my mom’s life I would run every race for her and when I would fly up for her next doctor’s visit I would bring her that month’s medal. The medals were a source of strength for her to turn to when she felt she was at the bottom of her barrel. In that year of races, I would have to miss one due to injury. I was disappointed that I would not have a medal to give my mom that month but she understood. Then weeks later I got a call from my mom who was crying, absolutely moved by the selflessness of another. She says to me, “Did you know she was going to do this?” and me not knowing what she is referring to says “No” at which point she reads the letter that accompanied the medal, as pictured above. My mom was moved to tears and I was moved beyond words. This is showing up.
This week has been tough but manageable but as I have drawn closer to the final day of the anniversary of her leaving this earth I have been searching for a way to bear it. As it turns out The Rolling Stones had rescheduled their original Miami tour date and now they were due to play Friday night. I have debated going all week thinking that it would be a great way to celebrate the one thing we shared a love for…music. I decided this morning as I was getting ready for work that I was going to go. I packed a bag and texted Molly that we were going! As I drove to work thinking about how I wanted the night to play out it became clear I wanted my Dad to be by my side. It just made sense. While he was caught by surprise by the spontaneity of the request he was quick to say YES! Tonight was everything I needed it to be. My daughter on one side and my dad and stepmom on the other and The Rolling Stones playing their last show of their tour. Perfection.
The other reason the night was perfect was because she was with me tonight, this I know. We were late getting to the venue and while the entire day had little rain, as soon as we got in it started pouring, delaying the show. Ironic maybe. But then at the very end of a very dry concert as they were playing their final songs; it started raining again. Just a beautiful mist of rain to cap off the night. When I looked at the clock it was the same time that she passed on this same Friday last year. I was moved to tears. I know she was there with me celebrating another great concert, another memory. She showed up for me tonight, she always has and she always will. L.
This is the final five days of what was her last week. This year I am at work, working on budgets seemingly easy as compared to last year but gut-wrenching when I think about what makes it easier. I am living my life without her and while I have tricked myself into thinking I had this month under my thumb I wake up with a thickness that was stifling all day. As it gets closer I can feel the weight of what is coming. it is not about an anniversary it is a reminder of the worst days to come then and now.
My “plan” was to go to Virginia this weekend and spend the weekend with my stepdad so we are together but the closer it gets the more I am realizing it is simply not going to be possible. The tape keeps running through my mind over and over again; I drive up to her house, and she doesn’t come out on the porch excited to see me…and I fall apart. I walk up to the house and open the door and there is her chair without her in it…and I fall apart. I walk onto the porch, our very special place, and she is not there…and I fall apart. I cannot walk into her room, I cannot sleep there, I cannot eat there, I simply cannot be there. I am not ready.
It is a year later and the grief is different. It is devastating in quieter moments, it is less public, it is harder to explain than it was a year ago. A year ago everyone “gets it”; you have lost your Mom no one doubts the pain, the sadness, the grief. A year later…it still hurts, it is still devastating and it is still grief but it is different. Today it was like walking through a fog with an immense weight encompassing me. I was down all day and while not acknowledging it, it would not relent. This grief was isolating.
This is grief as I am living it right now and ultimately I am having to take my own advice and “meet myself where I am” and today where I am is not ready to face Saturday AT ALL but definitely not ready to face it in her home where I left abruptly a year ago. One year ago, I delivered her eulogy to her beloved community and I literally flew out of there like a bat out of hell. I was running then and I am still running today. I am running from the reality that she is not there because I can fool myself into believing that…well let’s just agree that I am not fooling myself but I am not facing it as aggressively as stepping into her home would require of me.
I am not going to be okay, not today and I will let that be okay. I don’t want to predict tomorrow or the next day or the next…today is enough. One day at a time. My mom and I shared the Serenity Prayer frequently as we would come up on things in our lives that we could not control. I cannot change this and I am not ready to accept it…but I am willing to continue working on it, and that is enough for today. – L.
This post started with the word DREAD but it is such an unfair word. August has been the focus of my dread for months now. This is the last month I had with my mom last year. It brings up so much emotion and none of it wanted, thereby dreaded.
On August 31st it will be a year. A year that I feel I have barely survived. A year of feeling loss when I want to call her, see her or even when I think about her. I know she is with me, I see her in my hands, my voice and she is my heart.
My day started out with smiles as I drove to work talking to my friend. I realized I was smiling as I was talking to her and stopped to note as much. This was a good way to start the first day of this month that has caused such anxiety.
Unfortunately by 9:00a the weight was mounting, the clouds were setting in and I could feel my mood changing. I can’t stand the power I have given this month. Why? Why? Why? My day continued to be isolating and heavy.
As it would turn out and coincidentally, I had an afternoon appointment with my therapist. And the power of therapy would once again prove its power in my life. As I left my therapists office I felt lighter. The day still had its shroud and the month is still wound in anxiety but how I allow it to affect me is still my choice.
The night concluded with my first run around the neighborhood in months. As I floated home on a runners high it only got better and I ended the night with babies and fellowship.
I am still not where Joe Biden’s quote promises me to be but I am going to work hard to spend this month HONORING HER instead of GRIEVING HER.
When you know better, you do better…one day at a time Kiel, one day at a time… L.