When pontificating on the theory of Normal one day I needed to get it out of my head and out on paper and from that intention this journal entry was created.
Normal. What is this word? Is it a verb, is it a noun…let’s dissect this theory (if that is what it is) for a moment.
I continue to communicate that I “just want to get back to normal” but I am lost in trying to determine what that is…a state of being, a thing you do or is it simply how we are?
When I think about the normal I want “back” (I am never really sure I had it to begin with) I am thinking of some dreamy routine where you wake up in the morning well-rested, have a cup of espresso while reading my morning devotional and then steadily get ready for work. Then the normal retains when I get home from work where I expect dinner to be made within the half hour, sit and watch tv with my spouse and back to bed by 9p. Wait, normal includes a workout somewhere along the way, right? Wait, normal is logging every single thing you eat that day, right? No, wait, that is obsessive behavior that is not normal or is it??
When I think back to what changed (I really want to write disturbed here but holding back) my normal I remember telling my mom that July that things in my life seemed so perfect that it scared me…little did I know it was more than a feeling. The 18 months that would follow would leave me speechless and gutted, literally. I lost my mom to Stage 4 lung cancer one year after diagnosis and then I would be faced with my own health crisis that would disrupt my normal for months to come.
The reality is that normal did not exist before July 2018 either. Unless normal is me having gastric bypass to stop from eating myself to death. What the hell is this NORMAL that I am longing for then?
Why is normal even a “thing”?
Thinking on this subject this morning it occurred to me that maybe what I am after is contentment. Thinking back to the Buddhist text I recently read; content is a state of being. But again as defined is it being “normal” or having routines or is it simply being satisfied with your state of being at that moment. Is it wrong to long for contentment beyond this moment? Is this where lacking gratitude begins?
The more I ponder this state it occurs to me that what I am longing for is control. Control over every single emotion, person, stressor, etc. that is in my life. Isn’t this what it’s always been about; control? The discipline and the rigor of my life and stubbornness has been about control after all. I won’t allow myself to be controlled. This statement unfortunately has morphed into “I won’t allow myself to be cared for”…interesting take on control isn’t it? I don’t want to ask for help and I don’t want to rely on anyone BUT I want there to be ppl there; just there. Just sitting in the room, not saying anything, not doing anything but if I need something they should know it telepathically so I don’t have to ask…because asking goes against the control I have to have over myself and all things all the time.
Wow, all of this comes out of a reflection of what is normal? No wonder my brain never stops…searching for answers is what I do day in and day out. Even where there are no questions, I am searching for answers. Judgments on everything I do, who I am and worse judgments of strangers all around me. I cannot look at a stranger without a judgment crossing my mind. Why?? What does it matter? Or is it is all about comparing? Comparing me to you; my education, my dress, my speech, my life to someone that has no idea that I have just waged a full-scale competition against them for simply walking by me. Normal…yea I think not. L.