The further away the further I go, and other rabbit holes

It has admittedly been weeks since I wrote last. A habit, hobby, outlet that is supposed to be exercised daily. It is not that I did not want to write. It is not that there isn’t anything to write. It is that I could not…trapped like a hostage in the labyrinth that is my mind teasing and tortured at times…I simply could not.

Whatever you call it, anxiety in many form or the litany of excuses you offer it, “it” holds you captive not allowing you to climb out. It is why the title is so poetic. The further away I get from any intention I have the further I go from it, down the proverbial rabbit hole. The climb from the rabbit hole is punishing requiring perseverance to start again. I do this with everything that has meaning in my life. People look from afar and say “you are so good at…..”, “it is so easy for you to…” or any other well-received but ill-deserved compliment but what appears to be on the surface is far more complex within. I am not good at it, it is not easy for me because it is always work. There will always be a reason not to, it is that I do it that it looks easy or good because you can only see the surface you cannot see the fight.

This time it is writing. I committed to this “outlet” when I was no longer able to run. Running had replaced food for three strong years in helping me to clear my mind, process my numerous thoughts and created a transfer addiction for the one (food) that nearly killed me. “But what if I cannot run” was never a thought before it was and then…rabbit holes. I could not run, I could not eat and if not those things then what would serve the “need”. I had been writing (journaling) for years as a therapeutic approach to get it out of my head, it could work again.

You look from afar and say “it is so easy for you (her)” but what you don’t know is that every single day it is a choice and sometimes it is a fight. I do not jump out of bed and happily go for a run. I actually hate running or doing anything in the morning. I do it because I have to, because I need to and because it serves me well. The same can be said about writing. The pressure is on since I chose to start sharing my writings, to now continue to write and to publish. It is never for a lack of thoughts to share but the pressure now is in producing something for the audience. While this can be a motivation it can also be a detractor or an intimidation to perform. The reality is that writing and running have never been about performance. They were never about stats, likes, accolades or medals. They were about health, mental and physical and that “back to basics” reality needs to be reminded. The minute the reason shifts from health to performance the intention is lost.

My running is best when I run at night because I am able to run off the day but the timing can be tough based on needing to “fit it in” versus waking up an hour early to “make the time”. My writing is best when it is “hot”. When I am thinking through a topic, when it is fresh, when the dialogue in my brain is like a conversation is when I am at my writers best! The times when I have stopped and seized the moment to write have been some of the best writings to date. The point here is that the choice in doing both is knowing that doing them is paramount and choosing when is simply idealistic.

in the end, this is what “Always Starting…The Art of Never Giving Up” is all about. It is about redefining the “reason” I started this blog and showing examples of how often I restart, rethink and redefine my intentions. Every restart is not as exciting as a New Year’s Resolution, sometimes they are as painful as a shot in the arm but I take on both with a sense of urgency knowing that getting started is the hard part; staying the course is easy until…it’s not. 🙂

Life as I see it – L.

One thought on “The further away the further I go, and other rabbit holes

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  1. What a great start to get back in the saddle – and a very good read as to the thought process. For me personally, missed your blogs a lot – welcome back!

    Liked by 1 person

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